A Humorous Exploration in Altitude, Attitude, and Absolute Authority

Let us start with a scenario that would have made sports talk radio across the country explode with controversy, chaos, and comedy:

Imagine if, somewhere in the early 2000s, George M. Steinbrenner III, The Boss himself, turned his steely gaze away from the Bronx and aimed it straight at the snow-capped purple peaks of the Colorado Rockies.

Forget peace, tranquility, and seven-day stretches of rebuilding.

Forget that serene Coors Field sunset glowing over the Front Range.

Because if George Steinbrenner had owned the Colorado Rockies…
We would be talking about an entirely different franchise. One driven not by altitude, but by attitude.

The Boss Meets the Mountains

Steinbrenner was not a man for patience. His 37-year tenure as Yankees owner was built on immediate results, over-the-top spending, a revolving door of managers, and a fierce obsession with winning.

He fired Billy Martin five times, brought him back five times, and famously feuded with players like Reggie Jackson while still expecting them to deliver championships.

Now drop that human tornado into Denver.

Picture George’s Gulfstream touching down at Centennial Airport. He steps off the plane, dons a purple tie, and surveys his new kingdom with a scowl.

“Altitude be damned—we’re building a dynasty.”

Mock Press Release (Issued Within 15 Minutes of the Team Sale)

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

GEORGE STEINBRENNER ACQUIRES COLORADO ROCKIES; DECLARES WAR ON LOSING

Denver, CO – The Colorado Rockies announced today that they have been acquired by George M. Steinbrenner III. Effective immediately, all players, coaches, executives, and groundskeepers will be placed on notice.

“I didn’t buy this team to finish fourth in the division and sell Dinger plushies,” Steinbrenner said at his inaugural press conference. “We’re here to win titles, not altitude-adjusted moral victories. From now on, every man who wears purple will do so with the understanding that losing is no longer an option. If you want fun, go to Elitch’s. If you want rings, get to work.”

When asked about the team’s mascot, Steinbrenner replied, “Who the hell is Dinger?”

Culture Shock: From the Bronx Zoo to the Blake Street Book Club

Now let us get into it: what would really happen?

Let us say George bought the Rockies in, say, 2002—fresh off the World Series heartbreak to the Diamondbacks. The Yankees were still in their early-2000s dynasty extension. George was hungry. Restless. In need of a new challenge.

He looks at the Rockies—perpetually fourth place, with a beautiful stadium and a fanbase that shows up no matter what—and thinks: “I can fix this.”

Here is what unfolds:

1. Purple Pinstripes… and Rule Changes?

Within 24 hours, the Rockies are wearing purple pinstripes.

By day 3, Steinbrenner calls a press conference demanding that MLB “do something about this ridiculous humidor nonsense.”

He offers to buy the city of Denver a dome if they will build it over Coors Field.

“The ball flies like Sputnik out there!” he’d yell. “How are my $100 million pitchers supposed to survive when a pop-up to right turns into a three-run homer? It’s sabotage!”

Rumors swirl that he’s in secret talks with NORAD to install anti-aircraft radar just to track balls hit by Barry Bonds.

2. A Managerial Merry-Go-Round… in Thin Air

In his Yankees years, Steinbrenner changed managers more often than most people change smoke detector batteries.

Billy Martin. Lou Piniella. Bob Lemon. Buck Showalter. And of course, the ever-steady Joe Torre—who only survived because he kept winning.

In Denver?

Clint Hurdle would be fired during the National Anthem of Opening Day.

Jim Tracy would be hired mid-game.

Then fired by the seventh inning stretch because the team was down 6–3.

A brief experiment with Don Zimmer ends in a dugout heartburn emergency.

Eventually, George would just install a phone line from his office directly to the dugout.

“You’re bunting in the fifth. I don’t care if it’s Nolan Arenado. BUNT.”

3. The Payroll Explosion Heard Around the Rockies

The Colorado Rockies, known for small-market sensibility and hometown discounts, would suddenly find themselves running a payroll larger than NASA.

Steinbrenner would sign every free agent on the market just to make a point.

Jason Giambi? Yes.
Roger Clemens? Again.
Alex Rodriguez? Of course.
Ichiro? Sure, we’ll teach him to hit in Denver.
Randy Johnson? We’ll use humidors for his locker room towel.

Local fans, used to frugal acquisitions like Craig Counsell or Marco Scutaro, would be stunned to see Steinbrenner casually drop $280 million in one off-season.

Then fire the GM for not spending more.

4. Monument Park at Coors Field

By 2005, Steinbrenner would erect a full-scale Monument Park replica just beyond the fountains in center field.

Except instead of Lou Gehrig and Mickey Mantle?

He’d add Larry Walker, Todd Helton, and a “Work in Progress” bust of Troy Tulowitzki.

“You gotta give the fans something to believe in,” he’d say. “Even if it’s granite.”

When someone suggests a statue of Dante Bichette, George replies:
“Only if it includes a hologram of his 1995 mullet.”

5. The Dinger Problem

Let’s face it: Dinger—the triceratops mascot—was never going to survive Steinbrenner’s reign.

Midway through year one, Dinger is quietly reassigned.

In his place: a new mascot.

A bald eagle in a pinstriped vest named “The Boss Jr.”

He doesn’t dance. He judges you.

6. The Players Adjust… or Else

Todd Helton becomes the team captain. Why? Because George reads in a Denver Post article that Helton owns horses and “real men own horses.”

But he also fines Helton $25,000 for using dip on camera.

Nolan Arenado is told to take more grounders—by George himself, who shows up at batting practice with a stopwatch.

Troy Tulowitzki is informed he’ll be moved to third base to make room for Derek Jeter, “who I might bring in as a player-coach.”

Tulo asks, “He’s 38 years old.”

George replies: “And a winner.”

7. The Media Frenzy

Steinbrenner famously feuded with the New York press. He leaked, he yelled, he sometimes went radio silent… before erupting again.

In Denver?

The altitude wouldn’t cool him down.

Denver Post beat writers would keep defibrillators nearby during press conferences.

He’d call into KOA during morning drive time just to correct “that idiotic traffic guy.”

“I didn’t spend $300 million for a guy to strike out four times against the Padres. Fire everyone. Start with the mascot.”

8. The Results? Surprisingly Effective

Say what you want about The Boss: the man won. Seven World Series titles under his tenure. He turned a declining franchise into a global juggernaut.

So despite the chaos, the panic, the micromanagement, and the purple rage…

By 2006, the Rockies would win their first World Series.

And yes, George would take credit for every pitch, every bunt, and every firework shot into the night sky.

Legacy in the High Country

In this fictional timeline, George passes in 2010, having brought a title to Denver, a payroll nearing $400 million, and a press box that still smells faintly of cigar smoke and ego.

The Rockies rename Blake Street: “George Steinbrenner Way.”
Dinger is reinstated after a public outcry—but wears a tie now.
And a monument is erected in Monument Park West, with the following inscription:

“He came. He yelled. He conquered.”

Final Thoughts from The Book Kahuna

We all know Steinbrenner was a singular force in sports—part myth, part menace, part messiah. The kind of owner you love when he’s on your side and fear when he’s not.

If he’d ever run the Colorado Rockies?
We might have seen a whole new franchise legacy.

Gone would be the “aw shucks” Rockies of Wild Card weekends and quiet Septembers.
In their place? The Rocky Mountain Empire.

Would it have been messy? Absolutely.
Would it have been funny? Often.
Would it have worked?

If history tells us anything:
Yes. Probably. Because The Boss did not accept failure. Not even at 5,280 feet.

Like this kind of alternate-universe baseball storytelling? Follow my blog at The Book Kahuna Chronicles and subscribe for more baseball, publishing, and purple pinstripe chaos.

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